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I Now Know: It Will Affect Me Forever

April 13, 2008

By Victoria Wilson, Guest Columnist

BLACKSBURG, Va. — When I wrote, "My Outlook on Life Has Changed," this past August — recounting my feelings about returning to Virginia Tech after last April's shooting — I included the following statement: "Although the shooting did change the way I look at life, it didn't entirely change my life. My current goals and future plans are the same."

Now that a year has passed, I need to revise that comment.

My initial feelings after the shooting were only temporary. A year later, I feel very differently.

In the days following the incident, I was in shock; however, it wasn't the kind of shock that immediately breaks me into tears. It was more like a slow-motion, astounding feeling that festered for days until it was eventually replaced with anxiety. I felt overwhelmed and confused. I obsessed over the "what-ifs"--"What if I hadn't dropped that class in Norris Hall?" and "What if the shooter had entered the building next door instead?" A few days later, I started having survivor's guilt — I think a lot of Hokies can relate to the feeling.

By mid-summer, though, I was left feeling a little empty. I was used to waves of feelings that were intense and indescribable. I felt guilty that those feelings were no longer there. I wondered, "Have I become desensitized to everything that felt so real before?"

However, once in a while, I realize that those feelings aren't gone — it just takes more to bring them to the fore.

One experience in particular stands out in my mind: It was about four months after the shooting, and I was running on a treadmill at the gym. While running, I watched a newscast in memory of the victims of the Virginia Tech shooting. After a few minutes, I noticed that the girl running next to me stopped her machine and began to cry. Suddenly, I burst into tears as well.

For some reason, I felt like I knew a perfect stranger and felt her pain. I realized something that day: Even though I wasn't close to anyone who was killed on April 16, I mourned their deaths as if they were my closest friends. I felt the same connection to them that I felt to the girl on the treadmill next to me that day — the Hokie connection.

Before the events of April 16, I never would have reacted to a complete stranger in such a way.

Now that I've had time to reflect, I recognize other ways the tragedy changed me personally. I was wrong about the degree to which the incident would impact my goals and life plans. Obviously, every experience (good or bad) impacts a person's life. Although it's easy to recognize this fact, it's difficult to understand exactly how experiences change a person's identity.

This time last year, I swore I wanted to be a broadcast journalist. I was "positive" that I would get my masters in teaching, but that I wouldn't teach until later in life. This time last year, I was a fairly insensitive person when it came to loss — I have lived a very privileged life, free from heartache, so I sometimes struggled to relate to people going through a tough time. This time last year, I was an over-achiever who believed that life hadn't quite started yet.

Now, a year later, my plans have changed. I fell in love with teaching and have accepted a position in a high school English Department for next year because I want to work with the community. I'm more sensitive to peoples' feelings when they're going through a loss — even if it's only the death of a family dog. I'm also more focused on the present tense; I've realized that days aren't guaranteed and friends and family aren't either.

I know that there are many factors that contributed to those changes; however, the shooting definitely played its part.

When I wrote the column in August, I didn't think the shooting would influence my goals and future plans — but now I'm convinced I was wrong. This week marks the one-year anniversary of the Virginia Tech shooting. Although I am clueless as to how I will react to the tragic reminder, I know one thing for sure: It will affect me forever.

Victoria Wilson received an undergraduate degree from Virginia Tech weeks after the April 16, 2007, massacre. This May she will complete her studies with a master's degree in education.